Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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