It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
