My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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