No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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