You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if only i could text you this smell
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
