Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
