I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
