Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
