The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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