I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
