HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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