you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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