new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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