i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
