Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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