I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
