I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
