Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
