I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
