so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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