I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
