Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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