all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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