Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
