the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
