i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
