Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
