If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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