Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
