If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
