I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
