i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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