he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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