I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
