If i come over, it means nothing
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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