you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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