Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
