my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
