Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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