Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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