I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize