Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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