I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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