Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
