why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
