I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
