Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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