I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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