Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
