someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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