can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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