then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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