i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
