Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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