I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
