I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
